she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Randomize
