It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Randomize
