mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize