I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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