Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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