i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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