Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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