I'm gonna have a badass scar
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
