Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize