when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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