i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
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