guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
