My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
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