he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
