Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
