I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Boobs speak an international language.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
