Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
