I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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