Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Randomize
