At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
