batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
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