i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Found your dick twin last night
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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