please come you make the beer taste better
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I think I sprained my soul last night
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
