So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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