So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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