so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
