My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize