I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
