look no pants
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
