Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
