If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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