just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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