Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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