Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
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