I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
