it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize