I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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