Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
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