dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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