im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
