If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
