I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
