you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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