My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
