saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
