Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I think I have vodka in my lungs
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
