found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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