I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
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