YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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