I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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