Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
