Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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