my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
