I could make wine with my vomit
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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