I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
