Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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