I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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